Hurt Locked In
by LadyRandz
Summary: Sheldon has committed a personal mistake, and Penny cannot leave her best friend to remain ruined and broken in the wake of his regret. Warning: Contains mentions of self-harm, and non-explicit nudity, etc.. Angsty as well
1. Chapter 1

**A.N: Hello, to anyone and everyone reading this. This was intended as a one-shot, but I know now that I won't be able to leave it as such. It is a personal piece, and while I normally like getting reviews, this isn't written for that purpose. See you downstairs.  
**

He had just walked her out, with her assurances that she would contact him within the week. Not that he craved her company, but after what they had just shared, he found that he was looking forward to her company.

Physical intimacy on its own was a matter that terrified him, but he was well able to swallow his personal discomfort for the sake of others, despite what most others thought. No, it was that he'd chosen to share himself with her, body and mind. He'd shared his deepest dreams and secrets. He disliked that it was punctuated by coitus, of course, but she was his friend. She listened to him when he needed to speak, and he took her virginity because she really wanted the intimacy. It felt a little cold, but he was basking, and refused to ponder it firmly. He believed her, hugged her as best he could, and wished her well. And assured her he was looking forward to seeing her again.

XXXX

A week went by, and she had yet to initiate contact. He regretted that he would send her daily texts, or rather nightly ones, wishing her well, with a cheerful anecdote, and bidding her goodnight.

_-I hope you had a pleasant day. I saw a book as I walked past the bookstore this evening. It had a smiling woman on the cover, and she appeared quite pleasing to me. She reminded me of you greatly. Goodnight - S.C_

And often, she would reply similarly, though not always the same.

**_(: Ok. Goodnight lover._**

Of course this would bother him, but he would play along, just eager to engage her in conversation.

_-No hug tonight? - S.C_

**_(: *hugs* *kisses*_**

_-*blushes* Goodnight - S.C_

In reality, he disliked speaking, or even texting, as was the case, in this manner. It seemed insincere on her part, and he felt a little silly, but he swallowed any of his misgivings and gave in. He had begun to feel like this was maybe a little too infatuated, but he was eager to have her in his life, eager to gain a friend he thought understood him so well.

But the week turned into two, into 4, and it was now 2 months past the last time he saw her, he was becoming desolate. Sure, he had other friends. Leonard was his supposed best friend, and Raj and Howard were his friends too. Not to mention his actual best friend, and confidant, most days, Penny. But Penny and Leonard had just broken up again, and they were estranged at the moment. Raj and Howard were of no help that he was expecting, and he was feeling abandoned.

The nightly texts had ceased for the most part; he had suspected she no longer welcomed them, if she ever had. She had become more distant, and after she told him they should terminate the carnal aspect of their relationship, he had been conflicted. On the one hand, he was immensely relieved. He disliked the act, even more so with her, if he were to be completely honest. But the -sex- was the only thing she seemed to want from him. And even that, she only wanted that one time.

He not only felt that he no longer had anything to reciprocate with, but she confirmed this thought with her actions too. She clinically withdrew from him, telling him she was busy with her research, and that she had a deadline coming up. He respectfully kept his distance, wishing her well. It had irked him to no small end when he thought about how all these little bits of news she had, she only threw his way after he attempted to initiate any sort of conversation. But still, he persevered.

She promised she wanted my friendship. I promised her that I would do whatever was in my power to keep her happy. I like keeping my friends happy. I shall give her the space she needs, and when she's ready and available to speak with me, I shall be happy to avail of her company, he thought. Especially considering the current situation in his close circle, Sheldon was not only feeling vulnerable, but a little bordering on desperate for a friend. It felt like his world was collapsing around him, and he knew he was grasping at straws, but he was hoping that despite how badly she was treating him, at least she would be his friend.

The next day, his world came crashing down upon him.

_**Amy Farah Fowler is in a relationship with Kevin Kendall**_

He immediately rushed to the bathroom and proceeded to vomit the contents of his stomach. As he brushed his teeth and then swirled his mouth with a vigorous dose of mouthwash, he contemplated the situation. And the more he thought about it, the more violated he felt. Tears streaming silently down his face, he showered, the scalding hot water turning his alabaster pale skin into a lobster pink. He scrubbed himself all over, washing his hair and tugging at his wet locks in desolation. Stupid, so stupid. He repeated these thoughts in his head over and over, like a punishing mantra, meant to remind him of his moments of vulnerability all over again.

He had been holed up in his room for days now. Not that Leonard even noticed, with all how he'd been pouting about his and Penny's latest, and seemingly final, break up. Raj and Penny, however, were not so blissfully unaware. Sheldon had missed Laundry night. He hadn't been over for Spaghetti and hotdogs, Penny's and his break-up comfort food. He hadn't been to the university in days, having taken an indefinite leave of absence, that Dr. Gablehauser was only too happy to accommodate.

Raj had an empty office that he couldn't face, devoid of any of the home-iness that it had when Sheldon's inane chatter filled its walls. And while Howard noticed this too, he was busy planning his honeymoon with his new bride, and regretfully could not spare much in the ways of helping out his friend.

Raj and Penny had agreed to a plan. Raj would go out with Leonard, out to a bar under the pretence of a plot to pick up women. Penny would then sneak into the apartment or simply go in, seeing as how she had no Leonard to avoid. And once Thursday rolled around, the two put the plan to action.

Raj and Leonard safely miles away at some club oozing with desperate females trying to bag a catch, and sleazy men on the prowl for a quick lay, Penny walked over to 4A and knocked gently. Knowing that Sheldon would hear if he were in the living room, and having determined that his lack of answer was due to his absence from the room, she walked in cautiously. She continued on to his room, this time pausing longer after her gentle yet firm knocks, straining to hear a response. She walked in and the sight that met her broke her heart into pieces.

There were bottles scattered around next to his bed, in a box and in a bin next to his bed. Bottles of water, she noted with relief, but concern was still high on her mind. He was slumped over in the bed, face down, or rather turned to the side for breath, she supposed. The room smelled extra sterile, like it had recently been disinfected and wiped down on every surface. Besides the clutter of bottles of water, everything else looked untouched, everything in its place.

She moved closer to him, looking for a spot on the bed she could perch on, and settled in as close as she could. Unable to help herself, she brought her hand to his head, stroking his hair gently. "Sweetie, what's wrong?"

He looked up at her, puzzled. Here she was, his best friend, the one person whom he was missing and she was here. And he knew he would be better. Not completely ok, but better. She never betrayed him, she merely got lost. But she couldn't make it all go away, because she wasn't a replacement for her, no one ever was meant to replace anyone else. It was simply that each betrayal was individual to the perpetrator, and each would hurt independently of how his other friends were around him.

Inwardly, she was horrified. He looked haunted, and, to put it bluntly, like shit. His skin was sallow, cheeks slightly sunken, and his eyes… His eyes always were simply a window into his soul, in Penny's opinion, and she normally liked that she could easily tell his emotions simply by paying attention to them, but right now, in his eyes, she could only see broken. And it broke her heart.

"Penny, what are you doing here? Is anything the matter? Why do you look so sad?" He was panicking even more now. He hated being sad, but at least it was contained to him. When his friends or loved ones were sad, it was painful for him to bear. Which was why tried to keep himself distant, normally. It was easier to be alone and suffer only the loneliness of solitude than to suffer the pain of shared sadness. But this was Penny, friend and loved one, he thought with slight surprise at the latter realisation. And by whatever powers that were, he would fix her hurt for her.

He got up, wincing at the pain. At some point over the past few days, he had developed a pain in his abdomen, and it worried him, but he was in too much pain otherwise to make much of it. Not that this escaped Penny's notice. As he reached to hug her, she rushed into his embrace as well, her tears now flowing freely. Sobbing into his shoulder, she hiccupped out an explanation, or at least tried to.

"You were gone, for days, and it was freaking us out, and we missed you, and we were selfish cos it took us so long to notice you were missing and I can't believe it took us this long to find you, and I'm so sorry Sheldon!"

Thankfully, Sheldon understood at least the sentiment, and patted her back in his awkward way, attempting to comfort her. "There, there, Sheldon's here."

"But that's just it. You are here. And we weren't. And you're so broken, and I've never known you could break like this? What happened Moonpie?"

Sheldon pursed his lips at this. "Penny, please refrain from calling me that, that is reserved for Meemaw." Penny glared at him at this, with an expression that conveyed 'That's what you're going with?' upon which he sighed and recounted the painful experience over the past few months. Penny sat in his arms, watching his face as he spoke, her mind a whirlwind of vengeful intent and shifting emotions.

"She took your virginity, Shel? That's big." She said, a little sad, inexplicably, but more impressed.

"Hardly. I have not been a virgin for years. I have simply been celibate. She was actually the second person with whom I have engaged in intercourse with." He explained dispassionately. "However, I was her first. Which seems to matter more to me than to her, if her actions following were anything to go by." And he went on to explain the events of the past week or so, detachedly explaining his descent into despair and hurt. By the end of it all, Penny was absolutely seething.

"Where is this bitch? I've got a score to settle with her." She fumed. Sheldon held her close, and plead into her shoulder.

"Please Penny, I have written her a missive, following which I have no desire to have her in my life ever again. Do not attempt to exacerbate the issue, for it will serve little more than to prolong her presence in my life."

XXXXXXXX

_Don't give me words, they're nothing in the face of your actions. You complained to me about how you disliked your situation. It was my choice to go forward, and rest assured I regret that, but it was you who showed interest to begin with. Did you like him then? Or did you like him when we went to sleep that night, or tried to? Or how about the next morning, when we sat around, and I explained everything to you then? Did you like him then? Was he on your mind when I invited you over? Was he what you were thinking about when you first lost your virginity? Or when you stayed the night that second time? Each of those kisses, were they laced with thoughts of him? Why did you let any of that happen, why did you let me feel anything for you, why did you lie to me and say you felt for me, when that's you went and did?_

_Why did you give me false hope, and tell me we could be friends? I can't be friends with you, you've filled me with enough regret to last me a lifetime. And all I wanted was to fucking comfort you, bring you any fucking measure of happiness I could. I'm done with compassion for you. I'm done with patience for you. And thank you for showing me the foolish error of my ways. To love, is foolish. To trust, is foolish. To believe you, is one of the biggest mistakes I have made, and I will suffer, until the thought of you and what we did doesn't make me physically sick. And until then, maybe past then, I will regret you._

_And I hope our paths never cross again. Because it's taking more than I know I have right now to walk away from you now._

XXXXXXXXXXX_  
_

Penny read this with a hurting heart, her hand squeezing at Sheldon's, rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand in a way intended to remind him she was here, she would be his comfort. And her heart broke, because here he was, a beautiful mind and a generous heart, feeling the way he was, reduced to this, by a harlot of a woman who refused to take consequence for her actions.

She put it down and turned to him. "Sheldon, to love is not foolish. Loving her may have been a mistake, but love is not always wrong. I know this. I love the most intelligent man in the world, and he has the biggest heart, and I know I will never be wrong for loving him."

She climbed into the bed, and settled in under the covers, and hugged Sheldon to her, comfortingly. "Sleep Sheldon. The sun will shine tomorrow, and we'll be here, and you'll move on, and be better, and be the best thing to happen to this world. Sleep."

And that he did. And he just knew, with his best friend holding him, comforting him, he would be ok. And while he would always hurt, at least a little, she would help make it not so bad.

* * *

**A.N: _This is basically my confessional. I have lived with this regret, and hurt, and I know, you most likely don't care, and are wondering why you read this, or why I wrote this. I did not write this for pity. I did not write it for sympathy. I wrote this for catharsis. I wrote this because I needed so badly for someone to know, at least in part, the truth, and I just couldn't not put this up. I wrote this because I was silenced by my own design, and I need to speak up, before this regret and hurt kills any hope I have at finding my happiness. _**

**This story is based pretty closely to my own, and I tried so many things, to not feel the hurt, but the only way I could find of letting go, even remotely, is by 1. Telling the story, writing my truth. The rest, while difficult, and slow, is happening, but this was my first step. I'm just hoping that the ones that follow will take me as far as this one has. **_  
_

****_The letter, in italics, was more so difficult to share, as they were my own words, to them, but if you're going to move on from a mistake, you have to own up to all of it. _

_Thank you for reading.  
_

_Kiki  
_


	2. Hold on to me

**A.N:** _It's weird, having people know that you're broken, and they want to fix you, but they don't have the foggiest idea how to even start, and it's breaking you up even more that you're pushing them away because you don't want to bring them down with you. It's weird because...you're broken, and you know it, and so do they, but you can't just be fixed. You will hurt. And it will hurt them. And that just brings on more pain all over the place. But eventually, you heal. And maybe, someday, it will not be weird, you know? I don't know. Maybe once this haze is lifted, I'll know, something. _

* * *

Penny was now a constant fixture in his life, more so than Leonard. Raj as well, had climbed the ranks of importance in his eyes. And never before had Sheldon experienced gratitude for two people as he did these two. Each morning, Penny would send him a text, having learned when he awoke for the day and striving to be awake for it too. And each morning, he would smile when he read her messages, and he would be a little more empowered in his battle against his inner demons.

Penny's social life went from her being a social butterfly, as they knew her when they first met her, to an occasional partier, a weekend socialite, to a happy introvert. Most nights, she was asleep by 9 or 10, having more a desire to be awake for her friend when woke, than she had any desire to remain a creature of the night. She no longer went out on dates either, her focus being occupied at the present. And after having learned of what happened, her sexual appetites were quelled for the most part anyways.

Most days, Penny would invite him over for breakfast, and, having learned even his breakfast routines, not to mention all his other seemingly odd but endearing schedules, she prepared him his breakfast, to his standards. Most days, he would come over, sit at her counter, and eat the food his best friend made him, and he would wonder why they tasted better when she made it. And at some point, he recognised that, maybe, it was because she made it with love. She made it with not a single selfish intention, and such dedication, that it had to translate into the food, and would make it easier for him to swallow.

Which made it that much more painful to them both when he would find even the vaguest reminder, and proceed to empty out his stomach promptly into her toilet. She was glad she was keeping it clean enough that he was comfortable enough to do it there, even though she knew it was also because it was the closest one, but she was devastated that this was happening to her dearest friend. He was losing weight fast, and she knew he was weakened greatly by his inability to really eat anything, or keep anything down.

After they attempted breakfast, she would drive him to work, or Raj would, come to pick him up, and Raj and Sheldon would walk to their office together. Sheldon knew that Raj was uncomfortable with a lot of things, and the inability to comfort him when he was in a bad place bothered Raj more than he could handle, so he'd always chatter away, allowing Sheldon opportunities to scold him, all in an attempt to keep him from falling into melancholy. But more than anything else or anyone, besides Penny, Sheldon recognised that Raj cared an incredible amount, and were he a more emotive person, he would have hugged Raj for the effort and compassion.

And slowly but surely, he was healing, and he was immensely grateful to them both for that.

* * *

Penny and Sheldon had become closer than either of them would have imagined, and oddly enough, they had started their own routines that would have baffled everyone in their circle just a short 3 months ago. At some point, a sleepover happened one weekend, and had resulted in their waking up in each others' arms, more unburdened than they both had been. Nothing untoward had occurred, they simply had lain there, with Penny listening to Sheldon's heart as they both found comfort in the proximity of each other. But it was always in Penny's room, and Penny always knew why, so she didn't push it.

One Friday evening, Sheldon suggested they sleep on his bed, since they never did. Apprehensively, Penny agreed, and as they convened in his bedroom, (They hardly ever spent much time in the living room any more. Leonard was an even worse friend than boyfriend, and neither of them felt much like putting up with him.) Sheldon started to grow tense. When Penny moved to sit on his bed, he freaked out, and started hyperventilating. Penny immediately led him out of the room, and the apartment, and into her own. She rubbed his back soothingly, an action he had grown not only accustomed to, but appreciate, and he found himself calming down.

"I need a new bed. I can't have you on that bed. Please don't ask me why, let's just get a new bed." Sheldon pleaded fervently.

Nodding, Penny moved to hug him. "Of course Sweetie. We'll go out first thing tomorrow, ok?" Sheldon wanted nothing more than to be rid of the offending furniture right that moment, but he knew that it would be unreasonable to expect it at the late hour. He nodded his acquiescence, and held on to her embrace even tighter, relishing in the warm comfort that she provided.

If he ever had any qualms about her hugs, or touch, they would have been absolved when she first found and comforted him. Any lingering doubts he might have had were erased when he noted how she had adopted his cleaning routines and standards. He knew they had nothing to do with her personal affinities, that she did all this for him. And it made his heart clench to know that despite all the hurt he always felt, the feeling she always brought him would eclipse the sun in it's magnitude of importance to him, but he would never not hurt. He knew she would always feel like she wasn't enough, and he wished now more fervently than ever that he actually could traverse time, to render this hurt inexistent, and thus moot.

And when she turned to place a kiss on his eyes that were silently streaming tears, her own eyes mirroring this exactly, he stiffened, but held on even tighter. She was pushing his boundaries, she knew, but they were pushed previously, and he needed to erase that encounter even more than he was averse to this. "Let's go to bed now? I know it's early, but we could watch old Doctor Who episodes until it's time to sleep." She gently cajoled him.

He was averse to the last part of her idea, simply because he didn't like watching things in bed. Introducing a stimulating aspect into an environment reserved for rest and relaxation would be detrimental to his Circadian rhythm. He shook his head, "No, thank you, we don't need to watch anything. It's close enough to bedtime that we could simply pass it talking, as you seem anxious to do." Grateful that they had already performed their night-time ablutions, Sheldon found his way into her bed, and crawled in to his self-designated spot. Penny breathed a sigh of relief and followed suit, turning to face him.

"Sheldon, what do you want?" She dove in.

"Considering our previous discussion, and our current location, I believe it would be obvious that I would like to sleep, within a reasonable amount of time."

"Ugh, no, I mean in general. I don't want to push you more than I know you can get back up from, but I also know that I can't keep walking around eggshells. It's only going to hurt the both of us." Penny explained patiently, for once being the more knowledgeable one in the conversation. "What do you want next, or from us?" she paused, looking into his face hesitantly. "Is there an us? Do you want there to be?" She bit her lip, worried that she had overstepped her bounds.

"Penny, when I was younger, my Meemaw once sat me down and told me that no matter how much my mother despaired, and my sister and brother made fun of me, and my father hurled his abuse at me, she was never worried. She assured me that, yes, she would be worried, over my health, and sometimes over my heart, but never that I would be alone for so long." Sheldon fidgeted nervously. His Meemaw was his one vulnerability, even past his mother, and he was always hesitant to share even moments with her. "She told me, not to worry about finding someone. It is because of her I am comfortable on my own, or was." he looked Penny in the eyes. "She said, 'Love when you're ready, not when you're lonely.' And Penny, right now, I'm finally ready to admit, that I have been lonely. So I'm not ready to love you. Right now, I need you, so as much as you want me, and as far as we're willing to go with this, know that right now, I cannot love you. It would not be fair to either of us."

He took a deep breath, wiping away the stray tears that fell from her eyes. "But I would like to admit to myself that I would very much like to explore the possibility of an us. As bad as I had felt, I always feel better because of you, and I recognise that you need definition just as much as I, and I feel that as averse as I may be to relationships of the romantic sort, I am confident that if it were with my best friend, it wouldn't be the awful paradigm I have always avoided." with that, he kissed her lips chastely.

Penny sniffled, a bittersweet ache in her chest. He would heal, and she would be there for him, and with him, and maybe, he would heal her too. "Goodnight Sheldon."

"Pleasant dreams, Penny."

And when he held her tight against him, they both thought, _thanks to you, it will be._

* * *

__**A.N: So I figured out the hole in my logic. When I've written this all down, and it's served its purpose, I will have to avoid it. Which means I either...make a new user, and never come back to this one (Yes, I need to burn this out of my system that much.)or...I'll have to delete this after a period of time once it's done. Unlike any of my other works, this particular piece doesn't look like it will leave me alone until I am finished. (It's a miserable routine, but unless I'm drunk, I have to write a little into this each night. I've also got a sober month ahead of me. :\ )  
**

**If anybody is reluctant for this to happen, (the whole deleting this forever thing, I mean) and/or has a better solution, do let me know.  
**


	3. We don't live these pages unwritten

**A.N: **_Sometimes, we want to start over, or go back to the last point before it all went wrong. But even if we could just restart from the last checkpoint, we rarely know how far back we would want to go. And although we're aching all over, a Tabula Rasa wouldn't be what we need. In this reality, we compromise, and we change. Not who we are, but how we are. We adapt, at first, but more than that, we need to adapt our surroundings to us. _

_If we continue to walk these haunted streets, the ghosts of our past we'll always meet. _

* * *

Chaos ensued when it became known that Sheldon and Penny became a couple. Raj was infinitely happy for them, as expected. He only wanted the best for his friends. Howard was confused, but once he realised what it must have taken Sheldon for him to get to a place within himself that he admitted to even wanting someone in his life in that capacity, he knew to just shut up and be happy too. And when Raj clued him in, it was much easier. Sheldon may have been a condescending ass, but his loyalty to his friends, when it came to things that actually mattered, was tenable.

The one response that nobody would have wanted to anticipate was Leonard's. He just took one look at them, holding hands, and he lost it. He disappeared into his room, and hours later, came out with a number of bags trailing behind him, and announced he was moving out.

"But where will you go Leonard? Have you secured lodgings for the night at least?" Sheldon was concerned. Which only seemed to anger Leonard more.

"I don't care. I'm done with this. I'm done putting up with your shit, and your shit, and all your shit. I'm done with being the little guy who doesn't get anything, no matter what I do."

Raj stepped forward and said, "Stay at my place. I'll trade with you. My lease is up soon, so you can choose to terminate it then, and I can take your place her immediately."

Leonard looked at Raj, noting the expressionless way he said all this, and his shoulders sagged briefly before he looked at him and nodded. He schooled his features into an angry façade once more and stomped out of the apartment, his bags attached to him somehow.

When he slammed the door behind him, Penny sighed and looked up at Sheldon, who pulled away and shot into the bathroom, emptying his stomach once more, and Penny's face scrunched up with worry.

"I thought he wasn't doing that anymore?" Raj looked at Penny, the worry in his tone apparent. Penny shook her head, and sighed.

"He never did it on purpose, I guess. It just happens when he remembers Her, lately. But from the looks of this, I guess it's a stress related thing?" Penny walked towards the bathroom, cringing at the sound of Sheldon's dry-heaving. She rubbed his lower back, an action that she had fast gotten used to once he allowed her any contact with his person.

Sheldon silently got up, and proceeded to swirl out his mouth with water, then mouthwash, then brushed his teeth, then the mouthwash again. He refused to make eye contact with her, and simply stated that he would like to take a shower. Asking if she could join him, she began to strip off her clothes. When he nodded his assent, and stepped into the shower, she moved to follow him in, but paused to watch him as he fiddled with the shower.

She noticed he refused to step under the spray until the water seemed to steam up the space. And when he did step under, she noticed the briefest flash of pain shoot across his face, but he then lost any expression. Moments like these terrified Penny, because she knew that he was retreating into a part of himself that would continue to do only the worst things to his already fragile psyche.

She watched him wash himself, stifling a gasp when she observed how pink the skin of his back had gotten. Stepping closer, she coaxed him gently with, "Sweetie, is it ok if we turned down the hot water a bit? That's a little too hot for me."

Sheldon blinked at her, dazed. She guessed he forgot she was there. He fiddled with the knobs a little, and allowed her the chance to test the water temperature. "Is this acceptable?"

"Yeah, just need a second to adjust."

She reached out under the spray and wet her hands, then soaped them up to her forearms. Washing them clean, Sheldon noticed her actions, and raised an eyebrow in question. She looked up at him, slightly blushing. "May I soap you up please?" Penny asked, suddenly shy. She didn't know why, but she felt like she needed to do this, not just for him, but her as well. She needed to establish this intimacy between them, and she wasn't sure of how to tread anymore.

Sheldon simply ducked away from under the spray, manoeuvring her to replace him under the warm water. He then offered her the bottle of body wash, and his loofah, which she took gratefully. She scrubbed across his chest, the expanse of his shoulders, down his arms, and scrubbed his abdomen as well. Oddly enough, she was reluctant to proceed further than this, feeling somewhat indecent at the thought of touching his genitals at a moment like this, no matter how chaste her intentions. So she asked him to turn around, and proceeded to scrub across his back.

Relishing the experience, the way he trusted her so implicitly as to simply accept her actions and not flinch or push her away, she finished scrubbing him all over and set down the loofah, and wrapped her arms around him. Holding him tight against her, she knew he could feel her against him, and that's what she wanted.

To remind him that he was not alone, and that no matter how much he felt that way, she would always want to be with him, as close to him as he would let her.

He turned to face her, and rested his forehead against hers, gazing into her eyes. "Thank you Penny. Thank you for caring, and for caring for me. I know that I am neither the most expressive person nor the easiest to deal with, but it heartens me a great deal to know that you care so much for me." He sighed gently. "I'm sorry I cannot reciprocate your actions at the moment, though."

Placing a soft kiss on his lips, Penny nodded, tearing up a little at the memory of what she had just noticed, faint, obviously fading, burn marks, irregularly rounded, like the imprint of hot wax upon the skin of his forearms. "That's ok sweetie, you finish washing up, I'll soap myself up just fine." As she turned away from him, she let her tears stream down her face while she cleansed herself, mourning the strength of her one hero. It broke her heart to see him hurt so much, to see proof of his weakness, because she knew he was so strong.

Sheldon stepped out of the shower and dried himself off, then slipped into his robe, then held out a fresh towel for Penny, and happily waited for her to finish. It was easy for him to forget the pain when he could immerse himself in an activity he loved so dearly, and obviously showering was one such activity. Penny stepped out carefully, grinning at her lanky best friend who was holding out his arms in welcome for her. "I would have thought you wouldn't be so jazzed to shower with me. Thank you so much for being so-," She paused to contemplate her word choice. "Accommodating? Yes, that's the word I'm going with."

"Actually, it has long been a fantasy of mine to shower with someone. It is one of the purest forms of carnal intimacy, simply bathing and cleansing your partner. And considering the purpose of a shower, I have little reason to fear germs." Sheldon blushed, ducking his head as he enveloped her in his towel-clad arms. He fluffed the towel gently on her skin, the gesture causing Penny to giggle.

"Well, I like it too."

* * *

"Thank you Raj, for stepping in as you have, and offering Leonard shelter for the night. Whether or not his reaction was warranted, it would be unfair for him to simply be without a place to stay." Sheldon was having a hard time adjusting, but he found some things were easier than others, such as thanking his friend and genuinely expressing his gratitude so openly.

Raj would have been shocked by this, some time ago, but he had learned to not express disbelief at the changes within his friend's character. Sheldon was growing up, in front of their very eyes, but not without cost. Gone was the condescending savant who haughtily reminded everyone of their place in the world, who took what he felt he deserved without reserve, and who had unfair expectations of others. In his place, Raj found a man seeking the purest of companionships, with generous soul, and reserved tongue.

But he also found self-loathing and sorrow lurking deep within Sheldon, and it was varyingly evident in his demeanour most days, for which Raj was grateful to Penny when she forced her presence upon Sheldon, as a distraction from himself. Grateful, because over time also, he noticed determination, where before he only found certainty. Sheldon Cooper was a man who had looked upon the face of despair, and desolation, and thanks to Penny, he had survived, and he was going to thrive.

"It's alright, dude. I was getting the itch to move anyways, and this place is pretty sweet. I've been coming here for years, so it already feels like home, you know?" Raj shrugged it off, reluctant to put Sheldon more ill at ease than he already would be.

"I have one request, if you may?" Sheldon looked at Raj with eyes so earnest, Raj wanted to say yes on principle. "Would you be amenable to trading rooms? I find that I too am craving change, although nothing too drastic. I figure, changing rooms might suffice, for now."

"Sure. I haven't started moving anything of mine in yet, so it wouldn't be a problem, just let me know when the room's ready."

* * *

Penny led Sheldon into her bedroom, heart pounding in her chest. This was a major moment for them both, she knew, and she knew that he was capable of bringing her pleasure of incredible magnitude, but it was more than that. This was about reconditioning intimacy for him, and she hoped so hard that it would work.

**Contemplation.**

_Just that morning, their social circle was in danger of being lost. But she knew that losing Leonard would be a loss that they could all benefit from, including Leonard. She knew that the anger Leonard was exhibiting was more of a show to help through the moment, but was in truth more directed at himself than at his currently former roommate. She would have reacted similarly, in his position, and she could not fault him for it._

_She was grateful the matter seemed to have been resolved so swiftly, but she knew that it wasn't that simple. That although it would be healthier for both Leonard and Sheldon that Leonard leave, Sheldon would still be broken, and Raj and she had a lot of ground to cover before they could stop being so scared for Sheldon. Self-harm was a subject she was never really able to deal with, and the way she noticed Sheldon punishing himself….Penny shivered. **He will get better**._

_He probably figured he was being discreet, which, on any other person, it would be. But Penny had learned him, and she knew that he burned himself constantly, not using a direct heat source. She knew the hot wax wasn't a sexual proclivity, nor were the scalding showers simply be about his affinity for homeostasis. Penny was simply at a loss on how to broach the subject, so she decided to condition him, just as he once attempted with her. She would make him learn that he shouldn't hurt himself...for her to love him._

**End Contemplation.**

Penny was infinitely grateful for Sheldon's organisation and efficiency, and the fact that he was able to move the majority of his stuff out of his previous room and into the new one by the time their lunch order arrived. After they finished their meal of 3 cheese and mushroom ravioli, Penny sat back as Sheldon resumed the remainder of his move as Raj went to his old place to get his things while Howard kept Penny company.

Company that was eons more welcome than before, now that he had toned down the charm and ceased to be so skeevy. Penny had an idea that she was eager to work on, and Howard was the perfect person to help her out, and while Sheldon was busy moving, she had been presented the perfect opportunity to work on it.

After explaining to Howard, who was so excited to start working on something that was so cool while being somewhat challenging, they started on the project. Penny called out to Sheldon, letting him know she would be gone for a bit, and they should be back within 2 hours, and she and Howard made a few stops, including the hardware store, and Howard's house, they then returned to the apartment.

And thus, the evening was spent, with Sheldon and Raj moving into their new rooms, and Penny and Howard working on a light show that Penny was going to surprise Sheldon with later.

As she stopped in front of her bed, she looked up at his face, searching his eyes. She smiled at him, pouring all her emotion into that one gesture, willing him to smile back, to feel, feel anything but the hurt he was drowning himself in. "I found this song, and it's a little out there, but I like how it feels, and when I close my eyes, I just see all this...colour, movement, feeling, and well, I wanted to share it with you."

* * *

**A.N:Welp. I wasn't planning on putting this out today, I don't even know how I wrote so much between this morning and now. I have to be packing up to move (That line about the ghosts we'll always meet? I'm leaving this city behind in just 4 short days, and hopefully I won't have a panic attack each time I go by the bus terminal.) I woke up from the strangest dream this morning. I was wondering why he was in it. He thought I forgave him. I don't know why I would dream such a thing. But yes, this entire chapter happened in between packing breaks, so, yeah...  
**

**I am glad that those of you who have responded did so, those who enjoyed the writing, etc.. But I should remind you, this isn't a planned story. This is a narration of my experience, adapted into TBBT Shenny-verse. So I cannot promise updates to be swift, I cannot direct relationships, and I cannot bring in characters at will. Maybe, when I am distanced enough from it, we can maybe play with the characters, bring in more dynamics, but right now the ones I bring in, represent someone in my life. And the ones who leave, represent someone who left my life. Amy will (Hopefully) never reappear in this story. Speaking as the Sheldon, I am certain I don't know if I will be able to handle such an event : /**

Each review I get means much to me, on both an emotional level, and a "professional" level. It does take a lot for me to write this, but I also take pride in my work, and when you respond to my efforts, well, I just had to express my appreciation.

**HeathRowTottie**, thank you so much for your words. It pleases me that you appreciate the piece.

**stock2007**, I am also glad that you enjoyed my work. I don't like Amy as a character, at all, but in this instance, Amy represents someone who left me emotionally crippled for a while, so it wasn't a choice to make her leave.

**MelyBelle44**, I wish I was this creative, all I did was adapt my circumstance to the characters, etc.. My angst for the show is such that I actually have lost inspiration for actual Shenny right now. Sheldon has been OOC to me for the past 3 seasons, but that's a rant I shouldn't get started on. Again.

**SunnyCitrus10**, that wasn't a "spin". It was what actually happened, and yes, that was the reason. Amy will no be returning, even to suffer the wrath of Penny, unfortunately. (Unfortunately, because "she" suffers no retribution for the damage caused.)

**BreathlessFaith**, that's exactly it. Thank you. For some reason, your words felt like a hug. And I appreciate them.

**DollyInTheSkyWithDiamonds**, first off, your English is splendid. Secondly, I appreciate that you said you experienced something similar, etc.. It angers me when people say "I know exactly how you feel" because no, no you don't. We don't experience everything the same, and we can only imagine how they feel, or empathise. But we are the sum of our experiences, and as such, feel differently to similar things. And I don't know, it just frustrates me when people say that.

**Jislane35**, thank you so much. As a person, your words of comfort do just that, and as a writer, your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I would not mind if someone else reposted this, after I am done writing it all. I am unfamiliar with AO3 (What is that?) so I can't comment on that option.

**Clint Bolr**, Amy is a cow, in this situation. That's the only way I can explain it. I don't really know what drove "Her" to doing what "she" did, but I have no clue as to the rationale behind her actions.

Contemplation**Wikipedia:** Contemplation means to admire something and think about it. 


	4. Anyone who can touch you, can hurt you

**A.N:** **This chapter contains mature content, I guess? I didn't want it to be the focus but it had to be written and it refused to have anything else in it.**

_It is a bleak reality that an act so simple, so primal in nature has the power to make us, and to break us. It is known that humans are one of the few species that perform the act not solely for procreational purposes. Even those of us averse to the act, and find little to no pleasure in said act, fall prey to the effects it has upon our minds.  
_

_But isn't fitting that what was used to hurt you is also wielded in your healing? Maybe a little ironic, but true? Definitely.  
_

_**Fair warning, this chapter would be an (M) rated one. (if I had dared to use the details I had used in my mind's eye? I guess it's not too explicit)**  
_

* * *

She dimmed her lights, and turned on the music and turned on the light source that was connected to her laptop. As the music came on, so did the lights, and what proceeded to be an intensely detailed light show just lent to the ambiance, and Penny grinned. She approached Sheldon and held him, leaning her head on his shoulder and moving him slightly with the music.

Eventually, Sheldon allowed himself to be captivated by the atmosphere, and closed his eyes. Instinctively, his hands roamed across her body to land on her lower back, and he began to move with her.

This wasn't a dance to impress, not a performance of any sort. This was the two of them, bodies moving in unison, against each other and together, towards what, neither of them had any desire to question.

At some point, gently stripping each other's clothes off had just occurred naturally, and they found themselves nearly nude, save for their underwear, the question in both of their eyes. Penny answered it for them with her next words: "I'm on the pill."

They lost themselves then, in the simplest kiss. Longing, desire, affection, hope, _love_. All these emotions were poured into this kiss, and it left them both reeling, yet, grounded firmly. They both had each other, and always would.

Their hands, a flurry all over each other's bodies, peeling off that last obstruction, that last layer of denial, and stroking, scratching, feeling. Just feeling the other's skin on their fingertips, that reminder that someone who could touch you, could heal you.

When Sheldon eased Penny onto the bed, noting with satisfaction that either the song was on loop, or was generously long, and would continue its sensuous rhythm and lend itself well to the memory. As they moved against each other this time, they continued to move to the music, their bodies performing a ritual as old as time, but inspiring emotions as new as the moment itself. They may have not been in love, but they were loving one another, and in that moment, all that existed between them was love, and comfort. No hurt could touch them, and all the pain they had ever known, in that moment, ceased to exist.

And it was thus that they fell asleep, in each others arms, thoroughly loved, and sated. And for once, in a long time, happy.

XXXXXXXX

Sheldon woke up a while later, and noted the time, 11:54. He got up and went into the bathroom, and turned the water on, at the warmest it would go. He leaned his head against the tiled wall, and exhaled. Closing his eyes, he allowed his thoughts to wash over him. He knew Penny loved him. She had a loving heart, and a welcoming soul. And he knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he could love her. He would love her, if he were perfectly honest with himself. But did he deserve her love? Did he deserve to love her?

Images of Her washed over him, filling him with revulsion and self-loathing. Her touch, her voice, the look on Her face as she climaxed, all images that at the time he tolerated in his mind at the time, but continued to haunt him to this day. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ He pictured Her with her new partner, and immediately wished he hadn't. He immediately shot out of the shower and got to the toilet just in time, emptying out his stomach of its meagre contents.

Swirling his mouth a few times and brushing his teeth, he climbed back into the tub, and finished his shower. Noting with slight disappointment a short while later that it was now not scalding to the touch, he stepped out of the shower and dried off, and put on his boxer-briefs. Having spent the past few hours with his skin exposed to Penny's touch, he was loathe to cease the contact, so he slept without his pyjamas, for once. Climbing into bed, he snuggled, _snuggled_, into Penny, and fell back asleep.

XXXXXX

Penny knew when he woke up, and what he did when he got out of the bed, and she heard his retching. And she just sat up against the headboard, buried her face in her hands, and cried. How much longer, how much more of this could he take?

He was becoming gaunt. He was lethargic, and dizzy a lot of the time, and she knew this was just the most obvious symptoms that she could observe. He wasn't eating enough, she knew this, and she knew that his appetite had been sporadic, to say the least. When he did eat, it was only to vomit it all out shortly after. He had subsisted on thin liquids for the most part, and it was scaring her beyond belief.

Penny knew that he wasn't aiming for this, that he wasn't not eating on purpose. But she was at a loss, not knowing where to even begin, when it came to actually helping out her best friend. When she heard him turn off the shower, she scrambled back into her sleeping position, feigning sleep with all she was worth.

* * *

**A.N: _I have moved out, as of the last chapter. I have moved away. I have put distance between my ghosts and myself, but I have shackled them to myself, on my own. That feeling, wherein you take a step forward, but two steps back? I guess I should turn around, or make those forward steps larger? _**

**_It's a scary feeling, losing yourself, and all you know you are is suspended, and you're left flailing about, almost helplessly, aimlessly, that when someone steps in and offers you a hand, you grab it, and pray they won't let go.  
_**

**_Some days, I know I'll be alright. Others, I'm tempted to go back to the hurt, to remind myself of the pain, like a twisted masochist. But times like these? I know it'll heal, and we all get by with a little help from our friends.  
_**

**_I still feel like I'm barely making sense. Well.  
_**

**The song I mentioned is Rastafari Dub by DubTrash, and is one I actually used. (To me) it sort of figuratively pushes into the stream of my thoughts, and just flows over my mind like a river of honey, drowning out thought, and just evoking movement. Like relinquishing your will and control, and gaining your self.  
**


End file.
